Why does this make me laugh so much?

School daze…

The post all my friends have been waiting for:  elementary school adventures.  The moment people found out I was teaching elementary school – hilaried emails, jocular chats, and chuckled phone calls were my gifts.  Today, you get one story:

Between classes there is a 10 minute break in which children run while, chasing each other and playing games.  Often, this is unsupervised by any teacher.  Typically, I am ignored or greeting with fly-by ‘hellos.’  Today, I began to write on the board [every class begins with the date, day, and weather in English].  I feel a bump against my buttocks.  Not unusual, kids run into me all the time.  I feel it again with a definite smack feeling.  I peer over my shoulder to find a little child, complete with glasses, smacking my bottom.  I continue to look at him and he says something in Japanese.  I say, ‘What?’ To which he looks at me, shouts ‘OH MY GOD’ and smacks my bottom with the fervor of a fat man eating pie.  One final smack with a karate-like battle cry and the little one was off on a new adventure.

Oh…there is more to com, just you wait…

Homophobic Tea

Yesterday, I became a little parched as we hurled balls down lanes.  At the vending machine, I was met by this little gem, ‘Straight Tea.’  Perfect for the manly man who has been playing with balls.  While you think it might be ‘plain tea,’ just poorly translated – this cha was quite sweet.  When I offered it to one of my gay friends, she simply scoffed and said, ‘No no, I don’t want any part of that. Wouldn’t want to take any chances, ya know?’

Rent-a-date via Craigslist?

A friend of mine recently messaged me saying that she responded to this advertistment on Craigslist.  The advert isn’t long, so here it is:

Looking for someone (female) to pretend to be my date for a wedding.

I just have wanted for the longest time to hire someone to pretend to be a significant other. I think it’d be fun and funny.

This is not for sex, friendship, or whatever. This is a straight-up consultancy where you’re the independent contractor and I’m the employer.

You:
1. Female
2. At least 21 years old
3. Does not abuse substance
4. Acting skill

Since this is a job–albeit for a few hours–professionalism and presentation count. That means I’m paying attention to your grammar.

I suppose this would be good for an actor of some sort, but I think anyone with the proper motivation could pull something like this off.

So if you’ve ever wanted to do some crazy crap like this, feel free to reply.

She [perhaps unfortunately?] was unavailable for the specific date.   Frankly, I was surprised she even responded to it.   She feels it was a normalish advertisement and that it might make for an interesting story.  I prefer to think it is probably some dude who is going to a ‘wedding’ where the bride is a Ms. Piggy doll and the groom a Buzz Lightyear with flashing light action and the entire thing is presided over by Winnie the Poo or a my little pony.  I’m sure the imaginary tea would have been great.

In any case, if there was no danger, we both agree it would have been an interesting adventure.

Time for some…change!

In my preparation efforts to leave Hong Kong, I have discovered I am a change-jar-man.  I come in and empty my pockets placing my change in a jar.  I apparently never empty this jar until I move.    The result is that I now carry a ziploc bag of change everywhere I go – resulting in me being that little old woman who counts out pennies to pay for a five dollar item.

I must be strategic about my change expulsions.  I feel bad about visiting the same 7-11 multiple times to count out tiny 20 cent pieces to pay for a 7 HK coke.   When the ziploc comes out, I feel their sigh as they slump on the counter to relax for the long haul count.  Also, entering an establishment bustling with business is a dangerous situation.  A slip up count or a drop of coinage may result in the unrelenting assault of angry customers who instantly turn into hornets.  An added problem is that one seems to get rid of larger coins first.  The five dollar and ten dollar coins simply vanish, leaving these tiny ridged twenty cent and smooth ten cent coins.

Yet, what little life-cutsie moment that at while packing, of relocating, and saying goodbye – my life should be full of change.

Balding…

Ok. So I’m not balding. But, it seems that the weather warms, flowers bloom, and I suddenly get an overwhelming desire to have my head shorn.  Perhaps it is also linked to the fact that I sweat rivers.  When I awoke this morning, and the back stood as a peacock in heat and the front was plastered as if a typhoon were blowing it perpetually to the right, I realized it was time. 

Unfortunately, my clippers shorted out.  The adapter I have, which now has resulted in a dead laptop power supply and a pair of clippers, has me doubting its conversion powers.  So, I had to finish the job with my beard trimmer – which resulted in the closest buzz I have had to date.  Of course, I kept the beard.  The first few days of a shave always have a rawness and newness about them.  My head tingles with the wind, showers erupt sensations on my scalp bordering on ecstasy, the sun feels abnormally warm.  I find myself constantly rubbing my head as if mourning the loss of a friend. 

But, what is most interesting are other people’s reactions.  While some people could care less – these are by far the minority.  Some students rushed over to me and said – “Your hair! New style??”  as if I didn’t realize that my flowing locks had escaped in the night and that I had spent the day not realizing that my scalp was naked to the world.  Some, the best reactions by far, are guffaws – followed by a star of amazement and confusion.  Following their high pitched noise, one of the following lines is shouted:

• What did you do?
• What HAPPENED? 
• You look like a skinhead.
• You look like you practice witchcraft. 

What is it about the shaved head that makes it get such reactions?  People really wig out.  As if my shaven state is the result of some freakish accident or draconian punishment.   I’ll grant I look a lot more intimidating without hair; like I could be on my way to a rally with a sheet. 

But by far the most humorous reaction has been from the hall security guards and cleaning staff – all of which are predominately female.  They just giggle and say ‘Soo handsome! ’   They scuttle around saying leng sai [good looking guy].  So my American peers can’t stand it; older Chinese ladies dig it.  Hair may just be one of those ‘eye of the beholder’ things.

HK Dormitory…

Most of you know I live in a dormitory at a Hong Kong university.  Tonight’s adventure is just too good not to post.  At 12:48 AM, I was awoken to screaming, cheering, and pounding out in the hall.  This isn’t the first time this has happened as these HK boys seem to only get going at 11 [with their most fun moments reserved for the 1-4 AM period].  Usually, I go out to use to toilet or fake getting water – a gentle reminder that I exist. Typically this calms them a bit and they quiet enough so that I can go back to sleep.

I open the door, step out, and a ball whizzes past me.  A blue miniature football nearly killed me.  One of the boys says ‘Oh sorry!  Did we disturb you?’  Sadly, he seems earnestly concerned – as if this isn’t the 100th time I have come out or that it clearly hasn’t dawned on him that soccer madness in the hall at 1 AM might be a problem.  I say, ‘No no.  I was just curious what you guys were up to.’  They smile and they say, ‘Maximum power!’  and ‘Demonstration!’  They are taking turns kicking this blue mini-ball as hard as possible down the hallway to each other.  I watch two or three kicks [probably with confusion on my face], and I decide I’ll go on to get some water.

I turn the corner and the loudest crash I’ve heard yet in the hall.  I turn back.  Huge pieces of hard plastic lie on the floor, as they have shattered the protective cover of one of the ceiling lights.  They all look shocked as if they never considered this could happen.  ‘Game over, no more,’ one of them says as two others start picking up pieces and another tries to push part of the light back into place.  They scurry off and silence returns to the hall for a few minutes.  I’m going back to bed.

Watch Your Bag

Upon arriving in Shanghai and venturing out to a shopping district, a kind young gentleman said, ‘Sir, watch your bag!’ I, surprised, thanked him as we walked away. Odd but polite and always a good reminder in a city, right? But, I had heard stories of people saying, ‘Watch your wallet!’ and foolish tourists reach for their wallet – immediately letting the pickpocket know where the prize was located. But, you can see my bag, what is the point of telling me to watch my bag?

A full day and more people told me to watch my bag than I have had in my entire life. Coupled with the ever present sign posts to protect your belongings, I thought, ‘Wow, this is the most thoughtful city I think I’ve been in.’ Finally, this all came crashing down. Along with these ‘watch your bags’ there are ever present people with cards who want you to buy what they are pushing – purses, jewelry, and other fine goods. On the second day, I finally understood one of them as they carefully pronounced, ‘Watch or bag?’ and shoved the card toward me.

Hm… ‘or’….. ‘your’….

My brain clicked. All of these warnings and advice! Not one of them had probably said, ‘Watch your bag!’ Each of them had probably said, ‘Watch or bag,’ trying to get me to buy items. The thickly accented English had led me to believe that they were offering friendly advice. Shu Lan laughed as I told her and it made sense. “No wonder they looked so confused as you said thanks and walked away!”

Fashion Drink???

The sheer options of teas, colas, and soy drinks in 7-11 and other convenience locations often baffles me.  The tiny spaces house armies of liquid refreshment. Single lines of tea, fruit drinks, boxed milk drink, and colas fill the typical store. Sure, we have a lot of sodas in the US [you might even get 4 versions of an orange cola in some locales] but they are typically walls of Coke or Pepsi products.  In HK, they are brightly colored, sport odd combinations, and are an adventure waiting to happen.

Occasionally, they even outdo themselves.  Recently, while going to get my usual tea with lemon – I saw this Aloe: FASHION DRINK.  Well, I mean, it’s premium – so it’s good, right?  I like fashion, and want to be fashionable – so this should help, right? The best part, there is little floating stuff in it.  This is often a phenom of Asia, where you get chewy bonuses with your drink [little coconut pieces, cherry pieces, etc].  These, however, did not look chewy nor have a cutesy shape.  So, curiosity won and I bought one:

Despite the sketcharific appearance – it is delicious.  I mean, enough sugar and flavor can probably make anything great. The little pieces make the liquid a little thicker, but they are hardly even noticible. I assume it is proof that there is really aloe vera [listed in the ingredients] in the drink.  Fun times!

New vocabulary…

Last week was full of proofreading papers, as many students here have papers due during the same sessions. In addition to some simply odd language choices (ex. “we need to create a puddle of knowledge-based manpower”), occasionally the students pulled a new word that I have never seen (or a word I have rarely seen) in my 26 years of English. Often, these are the result of blind reliance on translator dictionaries or by accidental mistype (spelling the word closely to the intended one) and a digital spellchecker giving them the gem.

Among my favorites:

Mammonism – Devotion to the pursuit of riches.

Abecedarian – 1. Of or pertaining to the alphabet; marked with the alphabet; arranged in alphabetical order, as abecedarian psalms, like the 119th.2. Occupied in learning the alphabet, or pertaining to one so occupied.3. One engaged in teaching the alphabet and merest rudiments of instruction.

To Mug up – 1. intr. To read or study in a concentrated manner. Now freq. with up (on a subject, book, etc.); also formerly with away at, on at.

Often, they are misused and unintended – but they always remind me of the richness of English and the large vocabulary that we rarely use on a daily basis.  While I was in Bulgaria,  this occured fairly frequently.  Once a friend gave me directions to an art museum saying, “Turn by the palace of justice,” which simply made me chuckle because Americans would never describe a ‘courthouse’ as a ‘palace.’  Another time, when I asked why she had no pictures hanging on the walls, said ‘It is forbidden.’  The thought of checking out a new apartment and asking the landlord about placing things on the wall and s/he booming ‘it is FORBIDDEN!’ still makes me smile!